Blender is funny

I recently had to use up my Midwest Airlines miles before they expired. Since the only miles I had resulted from one round-trip flight to Denver, the only things I could afford were five free magazine subscriptions from a rather meager list. One of those subscriptions was for Blender magazine, and my first issue arrived today.

I've read Blender before, but it's been awhile. It's a guilty pleasure - kind of trashy, but fun. It's the magazine equivalent of reality TV. Anyway, I thought I'd share some of Blender's year-end amusement with you.

For one thing, it's informative. I'm sure I could have learned much of the following information from other sources were I more celeb-savvy, but until tonight I didn't know that:

- Rivers Cuomo lived in an undergrad dorm at Harvard while finishing his literature degree. (Presumably, he is done now that the semester is over.)
- Snoop Dogg is coming out with a line of foot-long hotdogs in January called ... Snoop Doggs. Hee hee. Hee hee hee.
- Michael Tapper, from the band We Are Scientists, looks like a younger, healthier Shane McGowan
- The Arcade Fire played an impromptu 2:00 a.m. gig in November at Union Square Park in NYC, just for fun
- Phil Spector now has "less hair, exactly the same amount of crazy"
-Giant Drag has a song called "YFLMD" (a.k.a. "You Fuck Like My Dad")
-U2's rider includes toothpicks

Quotes that made me giggle:

"Musically, I don't think we could be in a better place right now."
-Fred Durst, re: Limpbizkit

"I want to go to Egypt and Japan and open orphanages. A chain of them."
-Lindsay Lohan

Best End-of-Year Q&A Responses:

Man-crush of the year
The Korean guy, Jin, from Lost - he has the most striking features I've seen in a long time. His cheekbones are phenomenal.
-Ben Gibbard

Band you'd most like to see replace their singer on a reality show
It should be someone whose name is actually the band. Like the Dave Matthews Band - it's the next logical extreme.
-Ben Gibbard

Saddest celebrity breakup
You have to feel for Jennifer Aniston - isn't that every woman's nightmare? To know your man is fucking the hottest woman in Hollywood? But I really thought Paris and Paris were going to last and that her days of being a stupid whore were over.
-Carl Newman

Favorite sign of the apocalypse
Didn't all the turnpikes recently convert to EZ-Pass? That's my favorite sign - it's like, if you don't have the mark, you will not pass.
-Carl Newman

Obsession of the year
Coffee and chocolate and cake. I used to eat vegetables and stuff. But, in the last year, I've just thought, fuck it.
-Eddie Argos

Favorite sign of the apocalypse
My friend Dickie believes in all that. Apparently Mars is doing stuff. To be honest, I'm too busy eating cake to pay attention.
-Eddie Argos

Quote scramble solutions

Okay, here we go. If you still want to play, look at the previous post before this one...

Answers:
A) "There's this gal at work who's been real sick with the dizziness, and nausea, and headache - the doctor told her it's from burning the candle, you know? Because she works 6-7 days a week at the switchboard, and there's three or four other places she works too ... you shouldn't go to all those concerts."
1. my dad. The great thing about this is I'd estimate it's 95% likely the "gal at work" is fictional. Dad likes to back up his opinions by pretending they actually come from some sort of expert. I also appreciated the tenuous connection between the anecdote and his main point.

B) "I'm, um, just gonna go over here."
5. 10-year-old niece. Said nervously as she scuttled away when it became apparent that I was in danger of throwing up. This was during the Kenosha week of sickness. Nothing but fun, kids!

C) "It's Shrek and Fiona's castle in Far Far Away!"
9. 2-year-old nephew Jack, upon entering church on Christmas Eve.

D) "I don't need to see her boobs while she's cooking. That's an awfully low cut shirt. And I don't like that music they play, either. That doesn't sound like cooking music."
2. my mom, regarding Giada De Laurentiis' cooking show on the Food Network, which she hates. Points to Gina for guessing who the quote was about with no background info. Well, "that skinny woman with the giant bobblehead" was her exact quote, but we both knew she was right.

E) "If Mr. T and Laura Ingalls had a baby, that's what he would look like."
3. older sister Jaki. Regarding her son Miles, after it was independently observed that he reminded people of both Mr. T and Melissa Gilbert.

F) "I didn't say that! I didn't say 'The adults are allowed to eat in the living room, but not you!'" I didn't! I said ... I said ... 'The adults are allowed to eat in the living room, but not chew!'"
7. 4-year-old nephew, narrowly escaping punishment with an amazing display of backpedaling after smarting off to my future brother-in-law on Christmas Eve. We all know what he said, but come on. That's some quick thinking for a 4-year-old to come up with a plausible rhyme.

G) "These boots are made for walkin, and that's just what they'll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you!"
8. 2-year-old nephew Miles, singing on Christmas Eve. I was baffled as to why he'd be singing Nancy Sinatra tunes, but apparently it's in some montage in a Shrek movie. Mystery solved.

H) "Maybe we could play head to head! If I get the game. And if I get my grades up."
6. 9-year-old nephew, after noticing that I got a Nintendo DS for Christmas. He was all excited, then subsequently remembered the obstacles he will have to overcome before he can play his Nintendo DS again.

I) "They should round up all the homeless people and have them shovel. And give them, like, three really great meals during that day."
4. friend Lindsey, after I told her how crappy some of the residential sidewalks in Chicago were with all the snow. Merry Christmas!

Holiday quote scramble

I hope everyone had/is in the process of having a good holiday. I'm now back in Madison, and I think it's time for a round of holiday quote scramble. Wit and wisdom from my family and friends this holiday season. Match the quote to the person who said it ... answers (and further explanation) next time.

Quotes:
A) "There's this gal at work who's been real sick with the dizziness, and nausea, and headache - the doctor told her it's from burning the candle, you know? Because she works 6-7 days a week at the switchboard, and there's three or four other places she works too ... you shouldn't go to all those concerts."

B) "I'm, um, just gonna go over here."

C) "It's Shrek and Fiona's castle in Far Far Away!"

D) "I don't need to see her boobs while she's cooking. That's an awfully low cut shirt. And I don't like that music they play, either. That doesn't sound like cooking music."

E) "If Mr. T and Laura Ingalls had a baby, that's what he would look like."

F) "I didn't say that! I didn't say 'The adults are allowed to eat in the living room, but not you!'" I didn't! I said ... I said ... 'The adults are allowed to eat in the living room, but not chew!'"

G) "These boots are made for walkin, and that's just what they'll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you!"

H) "Maybe we could play head to head! If I get the game. And if I get my grades up."

I) "They should round up all the homeless people and have them shovel. And give them, like, three really great meals during that day."

Choices:
1. dad
2. mom
3. older sister Jaki
4. friend Lindsey
5. 10-year-old niece
6. 9-year-old nephew
7. 4-year-old nephew
8. 2-year-old nephew Miles
9. 2-year-old nephew Jack

Update from the sickbed

Well, my mommy came on Sunday and took me back to Kenosha. I just called this week of work a wash. (I was scheduled to be off Friday through Monday the 26th already.) Since Monday I've been feeling slightly better, but not a ton better. And since all my insurance-related doctors and clinics are in Madison, in order to see a doctor I had to get authorized ... to go to the emergency room yesterday morning. Wooooo! It wasn't as bad as the first time. I went to the new hospital here, and everything went pretty quickly. I was apparently STILL a little dehydrated, despite my best efforts. (Do you know how hard it is to drink 10 glasses of water a day while sick?) So they gave me another liter of fluids, but this time they only took 2 tries for the IV. Bonus! They also took a CT scan of my head, and a nasal swab for the flu ... oh my lord. Have you ever had one of those? Here's my advice - don't. "Nasal swab" is such a misnomer. It's more like jamming a long wire into your brain through each nostril. Anyway, the doctor thinks I'm recovering from something like viral meningitis. Yikes. (Bacterial is the "it'll kill ya!" one.) Basically I just have to ... keep on recovering ... but he gave me a prescription for some different anti-dizziness/nausea stuff, and something for the headache. Meclizine and Tramadol, I think? The Tramadol, though, made me really dizzy and nauseous, in a slightly different way than usual. For awhile. But it also totally knocked out the pain, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I don't think I'll be taking 2 at a time again.

Besides that, I don't think I have anything interesting to report. Christmas is close. Very close. The only person whose present I didn't manage to finish buying before being struck down (well, the only person I'll actually see before Christmas) is my mom. I think I'll just tell her what the rest of her present is and cut her a check if she's going shopping. She won't mind.

Surfacing

Ooooh, sick. I spent the wee hours of Friday morning in the ER, for fun. I hadn't been feeling better - in fact, more dizzy by Thursday night - and when I got up intending to wash up and go to bed, I ended up dropping a ceramic bowl (holding a wet washcloth) on the bathroom floor, causing it to shatter ... and then falling on top of it and blacking out for like a second. SWEET. It was my first near-fainting (actual fainting?) experience ... not very pleasant, I must say. At the ER (Anya took me) they pumped me full of saline, which took way too damn long, and some nausea med (gave me a prescription for that, too), decided I'd had a migraine too, and then sent me home. They said it's likely a virus, and I have to "ride it out." Thanks! Apparently, I need to drink more, but only a few ounces every 5-10 minutes. That's an easy schedule to keep. Oh and it took them like 6 tries to put in an IV. My left arm is a work of art right now.

At the moment, I'm feeling much better, hence my return to the computer. It may be fleeting, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Know what sucks?

Being sick. I've been sick since, well, Monday evening. Yesterday seemed to have been the worst (today's not a ton better) but I hope it doesn't stick around much longer. I'm not sure exactly what the problem is, but I've had a perpetual low-grade headache, some light-headedness, a fever, achiness, fatigue, and nausea. Mmmmm. I've been working from home the past couple of days, and I'm so sick of being here, but I really don't feel well enough to leave. Woo!

Also, it's snowing outside. Pretty hard.

Sorry I haven't been very entertaining lately. Sunday night I saw Nels Cline and Jeff Parker's quartet play Paul Bley's record "Turning Point" in its entirety at the Empty Bottle. (And I got home around 3:45 a.m., which probably didn't help the impending sickness.) It was fun seeing Nels as the front man, introducing songs and sharing little anecdotes, and the music was impressive - but it's not quite my cup of tea. I find it interesting, and I liked a couple of the songs in particular, but it doesn't ... transport me. Still well worthwhile, and I got to see a lot of friends there too.

Dana-ouement

Ha. I'm sorry for the horrible title, but it just worked so well that I couldn't resist. Anyway, Dana had one more blood test this weekend, and they discovered she did have the thing they suspected she had - an incurable mutation of the coronavirus. The vet said that if she hasn't eaten for two weeks, she's suffering. So Anya's taking her to be euthanized sometime this week. Sigh. I guess that's that. At least she won't be suffering anymore.

Map a sex offender near you

I'm a little hesitant to call this site awesome, but that's pretty much what it is. MapSexOffenders.com uses Google mapping technology to graphically represent your house and all of the registered sex offenders in your neighborhood. Click on any of the red balloons to see a name and photo, as well as details on the offense. It's very interesting, possibly useful, and seriously creepy. Especially since it quickly becomes apparently that sex offenders are, well, everywhere. But (ultracreepily enough) there seems to be a higher concentration around elementary schools. Map one and see for yourself. Ngggggaaaaah.

Cat update

She's not better. She's pretty much the same as she was on Monday, as far as I can tell. Now she won't even eat salmon treats, although she did drink a little water last night when I put the bowl next to her nose. She's also taken to getting off the bed and laying at the entrance to Anya's closet. I have no idea the reasoning behind that, but I'll bet it's nothing good. I also gave her the last pill I was responsible for last night, and I am so glad I'm never doing that again. Not fun. It wasn't even that hard - I got her to swallow it on the third attempt - but she just looks so damn frightened while it's happening. And I mean, why wouldn't she? Someone comes over, starts petting you, then grabs your head, tilts it back, forces your jaw open, and pokes something down your throat? I love it when people do that to me!

Anyway. I worked from home this morning so I could hang out with her a bit, but Anya gets back home this afternoon or evening. I'm not sure what will happen this weekend. Poor kitty.

The air is rife with nutmeg

I just got home from the Second City benefit. I can't stress enough - if you live in or near Chicago, you should be attending this event. All of the money goes to a great charity, and for $10 - TEN DOLLARS - I was treated to near-constant improv comedy by some incredibly funny and talented Second City actors and actresses, saw great performances by musicians such as (but not limited to) Jeff Tweedy, Tim Kinsella, the Blisters, Jason Molina, and Robbie Fulks in an incredibly relaxed and intimate setting, saw three of my friends win raffle prizes, danced onstage to "Dirty Old Town" sometime early in the morning, and helped to raise over $50,000 for needy families. This was my third year, and I anticipate many more. Special shout out to my 24-hour partners in crime: Gina, Paul, Leah, and Rosie. And honorable mention to Lou, Sam, Sooz, and Laura, who put in some quality hours both days as well.

Oh, and we also WON AN AUCTION! Three different groups won, actually. There were a ton of happy people at Second City Tuesday night. Bottom line is, in a few months, we get to throw a huge party for a bunch of our friends. There will be live musical entertainment by various folks. And there will be snacks, there will be. There will be snacks.

Alas

The kitty is not okay. She has something that the vet couldn't pinpoint exactly, but almost all of the "maybes" are incurable. Basically, she is probably going to die. That poor thing. I haven't known her for long - only about a month and a half - but she's really incredibly sweet. She pretty much refuses to eat or drink now, even when tempted with chicken water (the store was out of canned tuna tonight), though I did convince her to eat 4 little salmon treats after I shoved an antibiotic pill down her throat. (They are for "in case" she happens to have something they can cure.)

There's a cat sitter lined up for the next two nights, because I'll be gone too. I can only hope for the best, I guess.

Arctic air continues to drain into Minnesota and Wisconsin

Thanks to Gina for that subject ... it's from weatherbug. And as she pointed out, it makes us sound like the Arctic's toilet. At any rate, that means it's cold outside. We got a lot more snow last night, and I don't think it's going to be going anywhere for awhile.

Dana is sick, we think. She hasn't been herself since Thanksgiving. Anya is going to try to take her to the vet in the morning before leaving for the week on a trip. I hope everything is okay. Poor kitty.

This week is the Second City 24-hour improv marathon for charity. One of my favorite 24-hour periods of each year. Gearing up for hilarity ... now.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

Well, things are definitely white around here. And it was sunny, which is a nice winter combo.

Incidentally, I just learned today that Bing Crosby was a ginormous prick. I can't believe I didn't know this before! He apparently really hated his kids from his first marriage. Here's an item from this site (which, admittedly, looks like it has a bit of a bias ... but this seems like an easily checkable fact): "Bing left money for all of his children, with a catch. It was left in a blind trust, until they turned 65." HA.

Fruit punch soap

The soap in the restroom nearest to me at work smells exactly like fruit punch. It's weird.

We have a big work deadline at 8:00 a.m., so Anya and I are sitting here working at the same time from our respective computers. It's kind of funny.

It's only been December for about 25 minutes, but I already feel like it's passing by too quickly. Isn't that strange? It's how I felt about summer, back at the start of June. I guess I know I have a bunch of busy stuff coming up in the next week or so, and by the time I can stop and take a breath it'll be almost the middle of the month. Yikes. Well, that's not really true. This weekend should be relaxing, for example. I just keep waiting for a time when I'll have absolutely nothing on my plate, and ... that's pretty much never. The four days off at Thanksgiving were wonderful, though.

Anyway. In celebration of December, I am going to make a paper snowflake now.


It will be cooler than this.