If you wanna make the world a better place

So, I attended the fifth annual (my fourth annual) Letters to Santa charity event at Second City, etc. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - if you can, you should go. Based on my experience, any length of time you attend is rewarding - but to get maximum appreciation, stay for the full 24 hours. This year, Paul and Sam were my 24-hour companions. The event becomes greater than the sum of its parts - the cast is hilarious, the musical acts are amazing, the auctions are exciting (and hilarious), and knowing that you're helping real people through a super charity is incredibly rewarding. But it's the little things that make me do it year after year. For example, here's a somewhat accurate timeline. If we consider the beginning of the event time 00:00 ...

00:30: I'm already crying as one of the previous gift recipients shares what Letters to Santa has meant to her, before and after the death of her son

03:25: I find out I'll once again be attending the party of the year in my friends' basement, as the charity becomes $52,000 wealthier

04:30: Sally Timms asks who had claimed earlier that their mom didn't know what a blowjob was ... because she just got one from her backstage

05:45: Robbie Fulks and the actors lead everyone through a rollicking medley of "Man in the Mirror," "Dancing Queen," "Hollaback Girl," and "We Will Rock You," as Robbie's drummer marches around beating a giant parade drum with an umbrella

06:20: Joe Canale's boss straddles him and shaves off half his mustache onstage - having won an auction that will force him to remain Officer Halfstache for an entire week. Shortly thereafter, he stands framed in a doorway while more auction winners (fellow cast members) try to nail him in the balls with a football

08:30: Heather takes the stage to slap her boyfriend Steve Albini full in the face for charity

11:00: TJ directs the audience members as we create a percussion symphony using random implements from backstage

12:00: Andy hands out granola bars


13:30: Four-year-old Sofia Mia arrives for her annual visit and plays many roles, including kitty, snake, and Cinderella

14:40: The Detholz finish their set with a rocking version of "Frosty the Snowman"


17:00: The actors decide everyone should march upstairs to use the bathrooms while humming and whistling the march from "Bridge on the River Kwai" the whole time. Devil in a Woodpile says, surprisingly, this is not the gayest opening act they've ever had

19:20: Jason Molina performs some songs about wolves to an audience of about ten, plus cast members


22:15: While the Blisters rock, one of the actresses removes her bra and throws it onto the drum kit. At the end of the performance, Spencer throws it back in disgust

23:50: The 24-hour people are ordered onstage as Pete wraps things up, and in an odd reversal I find myself looking down at Jeff Tweedy in the audience

23:59:30: We bust a move to Usher

24:00: Cheering! Hugging!

See you next year?